I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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