Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We need to rekindle our bromance
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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