K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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