why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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