I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
