i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
