When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
