my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm both gender and math confused
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
