dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
