I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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