My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
