how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize