saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
