Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
