He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
