You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
