You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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