i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
