I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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