I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
