i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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