I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
