She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
