My cat gives me a boner
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
