Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize