I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
