Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
