We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
