"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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