maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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