My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
