Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
