i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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