dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
