Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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