Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
