I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize