It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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