new low.... made out with someone while peeing
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
