she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
