Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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