i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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