Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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