If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
my shit smells like andre
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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