Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
