I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
