I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
