Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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