i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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