Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
