sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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