Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
