nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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