Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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