Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
