I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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