Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
you had me at cake vodka
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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