ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
