I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
