nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
