i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
