you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize