apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
