I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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